DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
