I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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