Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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