just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
