How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
