Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
