My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
