I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just pee around me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
