Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
