I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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