dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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