Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
