I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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