Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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