There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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