in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
