My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
