I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
