This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
