Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
