...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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