I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
