Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
