our cab driver is having phone sex.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
