I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
