Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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