Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
