Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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