I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
