Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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