"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
