Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
