break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Man, jail baloney is awful.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
