Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
