all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
