explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
