I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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