He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
