I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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