i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
