I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
