If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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