i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
