Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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