apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
