Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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