Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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