Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
