My liver just broke up with me...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You ruined the universe
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
