This girl is more easily done than said...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Still dying that you shit outside
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
