So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
