We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize