I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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