Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
