The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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