We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
