Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
