i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
